The Coming of 2011

What I had done for the past one year?

Broke 2 wine glasses and 3 glasses.
Cut my long hair which has been with me for ages. Back to my boy-cut hair style.
Transfer to a country that I never been before. Start building up my circle of friends over here.

Did those things that meaningless to the world. Bring any values to myself? No idea.

Getting older and older. My thinking is growing faster than my age. My pessimism, ignorant, arrogant is pouring out from my body. Being myself again.

Is that consider the best thing I had done so far?
Finally, I am willing to face myself? Dare to look into the mirror and start pondering about the life I have instead of being the ostrich bury his head into sand.

I am still on the journey searching for the answer for life.
Where I want to be?
What am I going to do?
When I want to settle down?
Who I want to be with?

God, show me the light, guide me to the right path.
A new year. A better one.

Love

Who is the one makes me cry? Makes me smile?
Who is the one can trigger my emotion effortlessly?
Who can make my eye got red within sentences?
It is still you.

I am someone who doesn’t show sadness, happiness in front of others.
But in front of you, my emotion is not in my hand but yours.
There is once I thought that no one can touch my heart anymore.
I was wrong until I met you.

After all this years, those memories are unforgettable and irreplaceable.
You will always be in my heart.

RIP 4E

My mum has a twin. My fourth auntie, 4E. She passed away yesterday 8pm at Elizabeth Hospital Singapore. Cancer. Her body arrive at Penang just now. My grandma has been crying since yesterday and not eating since her daughter passed away. Ah ma is 90 years old now. I am worry, we are worry, everyone is worry about her. My eldest auntie keep on asking her not to cry, try to eat something. Still, she is not listening. She said, this is my daughter, what you want me to do? How can I eat? My eldest auntie just keep silent.

I have a lot of aunties. My mum has 6 sisters. All of them are very close to each other. Anyone of them traveling to any countries, they will always make sure buy 5 souvenirs for each other. For example, when my mum came to SH, she have to buy 5 different bags in different colors for all her sisters. If not, some of them will feel unhappy and not fair and start complaining. Why she has your souvenir but I don't have? bla bla bla...=) And they are no longer young little girl. My eldest auntie already has grand daughter still she will be mad if my mum go oversea/traveling without telling her. I feel kinda frustrating sometimes by listening to their story. All the gossiping among each other, jealousy, noisiness and etc. Trust me, when all the aunties are gather under one roof, you won't have a chance to speak at all cause they are simply too noisy.

On the other hand....they are sweet. Just sweet. Regardless all the gossiping, they are very close to each other. They are old still they tie strong to each other. My eldest aunt at Sg, 2nd aunt at Kedah, 4th aunt used to be at US, 5th auntie at KL, youngest aunt and my mum at Pg. They are far apart but the distant between them never stop them from loving each other. They always put in all the effort they can to keep each other update.

She is my mum's twin. Needless to say, she is the closest to my mum among all the sisters. And I knew that my 4E always treat my mum better compare to any other auntie. Years ago, my mum's best friend passed away. Whenever mention about that friend, my mum's eye just got watery even after years. And this time, this is her closest sister.

RIP, 4E.
___________________________________________________________________________

People go, people come.
This is a bit weird to put it in the same post however I just got the news today. My friend who married during the summer, his wife just got pregnant. Human life cycle.

Wave good bye to the old soul, welcome new life to this world.

Why Am I working in CN?

Some people may said because of the money? But I can tell you frankly, if because of money, I would have stay at Norway. Why shall I come to China which is lower pay but higher expenses than Kuala Lumpur.

Some people may guess because of the experience? Sigh...I don't learn much from Chinese with the office currently is running slow in most projects. Again, I will learn much more if I transfer to permanent employee at Norway.

Then why? Since Norway got all the pros, why I choose Shanghai?

Receive a call from friend. His grandfather has passed away. He needs a flight ticket back to KL immediately. Help him to call up airlines, ask for seats available and everything. Luckily, SH expo is over, SH-KUL has many flights so shouldn't be a problem for him to return to KL as soon as possible.

Remember Kam's father accident. By the time Kam touched down on KL land, it was already at least 13 hours after he received the call from his family. That is only flight hour, prior condition is he must be able to get a ticket immediately. At certain countries which only have flights 3 days a week. You have to wait for the second day.

Flying hour from Norway to KL takes around 16 hours. 1.5 hours from KL-PG. If anything happen to my family, by the time I reach home, it is at least after 24 hours. Can you imagine the suffer, pain, worry, the ants biting and crawling in your heart feeling for that 24 hours? I can't stand it. I don't want.

That's why I choose to work at Shanghai which only takes 5 hours flight from here to KL. Does anyone think before that is the reason I work in CN?

disillusioned

demotivated, dissattisfied, annoyed, boiling rage.

i wonder if this is all worth it?

all the negativity surrounding me is blinding. i'm forgetting the very reason i'm here.

i'm reaching for the white flag. i am a fighter, but this is not the right cause.

Lonely Sunday Mass

Sunday morning, I walked agaisnt the strong wind to the church to attend my lonely Sunday mass. After mass, I crossed the road to have my breakfast at the cafe opposite the church. All by myself. Adults were chatting to each while kid were screaming and running around the small garden at the cafe.

In the church, I was watching the family who sit in front of me. Grandparent, parent, 2 little girls with a little boy. Wishing peace to each other. Suddenly, I recall the two little gal who used to sit in front of us at Fatimah Church, Brickfields. They were so small when I just went to the Sunday Mass but they were all grown up at my last visit to Fatimah's church.

The surrounding merriness brought back the past into my mind.

This place does not belong to me. Someone who is alone with a book shall not stay at this atmosphere.

Autumn breeze is blowing away all the memory. Back to life, back to my one person apartment by breathing the air of this lonely space.

Deeper Conversation - A song from Yuna

Picture taken while crossing over to Puxi from Pudong with Ferry

A group of Uniten friend visited Shanghai lately. One of the friend's gf was someone that I heard story about her since ages ago. I knew her but never physically meet up with her. Yes maybe I had seen her twice but both times also never had the chance to talk to her. Since she is my friend's gf, every time when we met each other, I will catch up with my friend instead of her.

That day she wasn't willing to follow the group to the World Expo. My friend wasn't feel safe if left her stroll around SH alone. At the same time, I am no way to enter Expo anymore hence I volunteered myself to spend the day with her. Honest speaking, my heart had some hesitation before I suggested that. For people who know me well, I am a real weirdo. When I am in a good mood, I can be a very out spoken person even talk with anonymous person who sit right beside me. When I am not in the right mood, I can be real quiet. My lips will be totally zipped up. Besides, if I don't like a particular person for certain reason (or no reason at times), I won't bother to entertainment him/her. Nevertheless, everyone in that gang kept mock her as a super bad temper person.

Walked her back to the hotel, threw everything on the bed, relaxed in the room, went down stair to grab a cup of coffee, shopped a while, back to hotel, ate something for dinner...The most common activities for ladies however it will be so awkward if that two persons are only met up for the first time. But my worry in the beginning ended up totally unnecessary!

The whole day from afternoon until night, we chatted non-stop and amazingly we don't feel stranger to each other at all. We were talking about career, relationship, friendship until family. It has been very long I never talk to someone so much. Or shall I say listen to someone? Either way. Possibly throughout the 8 or 9 hours, I didn't share as much story as she is to me. Anyway I feel so comfortable with her, just sat there listen to her story, her life, her job, her relationship. Sharing bit of my opinion, my personal story and my life with her in between.

I do not know why we can talk so much. There isn't any effort needed to think of what to talk about. Naturally the topic was just flowing into our conversation continuously. Is it because she is someone who can talk a lot? Or because we just feel secure to share all the thing with each other? Or because coincidentally all our friends are overlap and somehow connected to each other in someway?

Sincerely wish that we can have more time to hang up together in near future. =) No matter what, it is a really a joyful moment to spend the day just like that with you, my friend - Steph.

Me? Writing politic?

I was following up with the news regarding Liu XiaoBo receiving the Nobel Peace Prize lately.

From Nobelprize.org somehow I read some the history about Mahatma Gandhi who is never got the chance to receive Nobel Peace Prize. I was reading how Gandhi was being discriminated at South Africa as Indian, how he held protest against racist and religion issues. All of a sudden, I recall the situation of Malaysia. I know that the situation nowadays is not as bad as last time. The minority group who is being discriminate and didn't have the same right as the 'Prince Earth' are living with good life and wealth. But, is it because Chinese and Indian who have secure job and financial status doesn't have the right to have equal opportunity in this country? No more political issue to be continue and back to the thing which cross my mind.

I hope, there will be someone out there, in my country, who will against all the law, difficulty, jail, detention, lead the minority group to have the equal right as everyone else in this country in a Peaceful Way.

It sounds like a dream....because everyone is living in a comfortable life while no one will concern how important it is to be equally fair as a citizen, our human right, freedome of media mass, speech.

It sounds naive...because when the leader in jail, I doubt how many minority Malaysian will still be supportive for the leader. How many Malaysian will really support the leader for 10, 20 and even 30 years without asking anything in return, without knowing what is the outcome of the fight, without knowing when is the day when the victory might come.

It sounds impossible...because even there is one leader who is willing to bring us to that step, human nowadays will translate him/her as someone selfish, he/she must do it for his own good like financially benefit.

However, I still love this country with all my heart. So, allow me to keep my dream for my beloved country.

Tibet, China or XXX?

Yak

This morning Nic told mention that this blog is dying again. As if this is my blog and I have the obligation to update. I am just tumpang to write here,ok? Not the main actor of this movie. Sorry for the grumpling. =P

I am just back from Tibet. Totally haven't ready to write anything yet since all the pictures haven't arrange nor edit. However, it is good that I wrote down my feeling while it is fresh in my mind. Many times I wrote the travel blog after too long the impact from that trip will be lighten. I don't know how long the feeling of Tibet will last in my heart. But there is a voice deep in my heart said that I wish it last forever?

My aunt asked me, is it an enjoyable trip? The answer is no. Enjoyable is not the right word but inspiring, fulfilling your heart, mind, eye will be the right adjectives. In this post, I will write more on my personal feeling. After this, I will post some photos to my facebook and make it a photoblog which mean each photo will full of word.

This is a trip which visited many many monasteries. Tibet Buddhism is really different with Buddhism that I used to know. There are so much different with Chinese Buddhism. I have a tour guide who grows up in a monastry and his uncle is a monk who teaches him all he Tibetan Buddhism since young. The thing I love about Buddhism is learning it is like listen to story. All the moral will come after the story. Listening to my tour guide throughout the tour while he is explaining Tibetan Buddhism is a enjoyable moments.

Before I go there, I have no idea why Tibetan is so determine and aggressive to fight for the independent from CN. I read some information from Lonely Planet before the trip. The shocking feeling fills me up. First and foremost, as a foreigner, I need to apply for special permit before go to Tibet. (some foreigners comment that travelling to Tibet is as difficult as travelling North Korea.) Secondly, if I am travelling outside of Lhasa, I need to hired a tour guide and driver who go along. Not forget to say only certified travel agency can do so. Foreigner are not allow to travel outside Lhasa without them. Thirdly, if you are going to the border like Mount everest base camp, there is another border permit which you have to apply. Fourth, all the itinerary detail, date, accommodation address has to submit before you travel. Certain hotel don't allow foreigners to overnight. In another words, foreigners only allow to stay in expensive hotel or some back packer dorm.

Walking inside Lhasa city, seeing army with machines gun at EVERY junction surprise me as well. Not allow to talk to all the monk since monk is not allow to talk to foreigner. No more pilgrim inside Lhasa. So those pictures you used to see that Tibetan fall on the floor, 3 steps 1 prostration are no longer a common scene. Monk and non are not allowed to meditate inside Lhasa too. It is a city which shine because of the religion. Without the practice of religion and so many restriction, it is like a tiger in a cage. Lifeless.

According to my tour guide, if I want to learn more about Tibetan Buddhism I only can go to Eastern part of Tibet where there is not so strict and tension. Jet Li got his inspiration and teaching from there too. Nevertheless, looking at Potala Palace does had a strange feeling in my heart. I d not know how to describe it. Not an extravagant building nor luxurious. But it hits me hard. Standing there high and still calms me down somehow.

Don't listen to all my bad impression towards Lhasa because anyting out from Lhasa, Tibet is a lovely place. Can I say I love it? Or at least I can conclude that I don't mind come to this place again in future.

人有悲欢离合

有个朋友说，我的工作性质很好，我有足够的时间去了解一个地方的人和事。不像他的出差，一个地方只待个两三个星期，人的名字都还没搞清楚，就要换另一个地方了。以我的性格，结交朋友的确不是一个大问题。问题在于，在一个地方时间长了，就会和那边的人发生感情。每当离开一个地方时，说再见，总是心酸的。

人，有悲欢离合。

记得在挪威时，我和一个罗马尼亚的女同事感情特别好。离开时，她不和我说bye。因为她觉得我们是会再见面的，她只是和我说，see you again。

上海有一个同事离职了。这几个月总是和他们几个玩的很好。突然的离开，又要说再见了。来来往往，身边的人，聚了又散。怃然恍悟，自己在这个国度，只是个过渡客。总有一天，我会和这里的一切说再见。

我挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。

如果这只是驿站，那，哪片土地才是我的落叶归根之地？

6 years

it's been 6 years since i started writing here. so much has changed and evolved since then. i'm a different person now and i think that is reflected in my writing style. this blog has a co-writer -cl- which actually kept this blog alive when i was struggling to keep up with the pace of my job and the balance of having a life outside of it.

make no mistake, keeping this blog going does take effort but i'm glad it's still here. there were times when i looked back and the memories triggered by reading the past is sometimes amazing. the emotions flooding back, the details of the moment.

anyway, just another milestone for this blog and i'll end it with a few pics taken from a beach along jln maulana, kb. that's where i go for a jog and vent all the pent up emotions (positive and negative alike) after a long day. it's on rare occasion these days for me to find the time to do that anymore - work's getting piled up and the fact that it gets dark early here does not help...

Airport

Airport? I just don't like it. Although I'm waiting at the arrival gate and seeing everyone smiling, waving, kissing, hugging instead of sending people off at departure gate still the uneasy feeling is squeezing into my body through every single skin pore. The cool air in the airport, in this place is just not right.

I haven't been to many airports as other expatriate or frequent traveller. There are only a few airports that I am familiar with. No matter how well I know the airport, for example, KLIA, it is still giving me the annoying feeling. Yes, I knew it well. I know where is the WC, McD, shop, cafe, rest... Will that make me feel better? No.

Furthermore when we talk about the flight delay, rushing for transit, confiscate item by the custom, problem with the immigration officer, sending the loved one to another place, it is a sad place. (Luckily we are holding Malaysia passport which has no problem with visa when we are entering most of the countries in the world) I remember clearly that there is once when sending Nic to Brunei/Labuan/wherever, we saw an indian lady cried so badly while waving to her guy. The tears on her face, unforgettable. It is rare to see someone so emotional at KLIA! Malaysian are more conservative and usually will hide their emotion to themselves. You only can see people with red eye but not sobbing.

You may said that it is a happy place when you are waiting at the arrival gate. If we compare the amount of sending people off and picking up people, I believe, KLIA still is an unhappy airport. Because Malaysia is not a famous tourist country or working place. People who are going out always more than coming back.

Airport, the sorrow place.

ps: start this post while waiting for my mum at PVG

兵士

一位好的兵士不选择战场
一位好的兵士为荣誉而冲锋
一位好的兵士会聆听他的心
一位好的兵士会适可而止

没有任何东西比信仰更神圣
没有任何东西比信任更有价值
没有任何东西比忠诚更重要
没有任何东西比背叛更可鄙

这个舞台，终极的竞技场
冲吧，冲向战役
站起来吧，站前去，被察觉
别退缩，每个机会都是最后一次

今天的决定，明天才感觉到
涟漪般的抉择，海浪般的后果
游荡在过去，将会停歇不进
疑惑着未来，也会停歇不进

wrote this last week i think, it's been a while. wanted to post it but something about it doesn't feel right. so instead, i wanted to translate it to another language just for fun. thought of using google translate but with past experiences, i didn't want this to turn out sounding stupid as well if i were to translate it into spanish or german. so instead, i asked cl to help me do it. here it is in mandarin. the original i'll post it in the comments of this post.

ps: does it sound better in mandarin or english?

Wedding

Nic and I used to discuss about the wedding that happen around us.

We don't see any couple around us are steeping into the church because of love, pure love.

Or pure love only happen in fairy tale?

Wedding to your couple is no longer a 'big' thing, a once-in-a-lifetime ceremony.

Everyone got their own reason get marry. But, I have never hear anyone who said it is because of love.

Either because of pregnant, parent, getting old - age, or assigning job location (few of my teacher friend are getting marry because they don't wish to be assign to too far away from Penang)...

Can someone? Someone out there tell me that they want to walk down the aisle because of love?Because I love him? I want to spend the rest of my life with him?

Anyone?

Don't get me wrong. I know of course you love her/him too, if not you won't marry her/him. However, there are always so many reality issue that we need to bring into discussion when we talk about a marriage/wedding which make it no longer a wonderful experience. Budget for wedding, difficulty to book a hotel for wedding dinner, problem to reserve a good photographer or make up artist, accommodation and transportation for relative/friend to come down to the town...

Conclusion, no fairy tale. Wedding will never be a fun experience. =)

Beijing

Tian An Men Square

Beijing – a capital with several thousand years of history. I am enjoying the city not only by the historical value but also the cultural and art. Over here, you can find a lot of youngster who are active in drama, creating their own handcraft product, selling their own music album, designing their own cloth, accessory. People are talking about art, fashion, politic, music. It is something that we lack at Malaysia especially among Chinese who only concern about how much we earn per month.

Forbidden city

This palace is attractive due to the history behind it. If you walk into the Forbidden City without the explanation and understand the story behind it, every building that left behind nowadays is just an empty body without soul. I got myself a narrator machine when I was there. Forbidden city just give me a uneasy feeling while I was listening to all the ancient story. A well that Empress was being push down and drowned, a hall to rest all the Emperor’s coffin before bury, a tree that an Emperor hang himself when his dynasty was ended. Nic used to say before that the blood during war is cannot blame on any party since it is a war, no right and wrong. However, when you are stepping on the floors which full of blood, recall all the fighting far behind few thousand years ago among human for the sake of fame, status, money…

Amidst all the building inside The Forbidden City, I love the Imperial garden the most!! No wonder lots of the HK’s drama, those Empresses like to go “Hao Fa Yun” to enjoy the flowers and garden. Not forget to mention about all the collections inside the palace those jade, craving and ceramic are really astonish.

Great Wall

Don’t ask me why but it doesn’t hit me hard. It doesn’t give me a strong impact compare to the Colosseum which is much smaller in scale. When I saw Colosseum for the firs time, I can imagine how spectacular it is when the building is standing still….everyone in the city is flocking into Colosseum for the Gladiator games. The image is so clear in my mind as if I was there to see it with my own eye. Somehow The Great Wall just didn’t able to give me such feeling. Is it because of the crowd? My friend, Theresa leave comment on my FB’s picture said that I should go to “Wild” Great Wall - Jinshanling instead of those tourist orientated section of The Great Wall. I might have stronger bond with this one of Seven Wonders of the World more from there. But, who knows? I heard from one of my ex-coll who visited Taj-Mahal said that Taj-Mahal looks magnificent from a distance too ( I saw his picture even with a normal DC it looks wow...). Wish that I am able to visit Machu Picchu one day then I shall see which one can connect to my heart more.

In the end, The Great Wall is still great of course. When you look at it, you just can’t find the end of the wall as if it is going to the end of the world. It is hard to imagine how much blood had been sacrificed to stack up this pile of bricks and stones. (why am I keep on mentioning about blood in this post?)

Yi He Yuan/Summer Palace

The over-rated Peking Duck – Quan Ju de. I know that many people advice it is not necessary to visit this particular restaurant although it is there since 1864 and famed among all Beijing’s delicacy. Nevertheless I feel that I only there for once in a life time then why not have the most classic restaurant? Ya ya ya…typical Asian tourist mentality. Hehehe…And it is pricey!! RM55 per single person meal with that little plate of roasted duck! One of the missed out in this trip is I don’t have the chance to drink tea at Lao She Tea House)

End the post with a picture. I am kinda lazy to blog nowadays because it is really troublesome to do so at China. So the sustainability of this blog have to depend back on it’s real owner in near future. =)

fight or flight?

it's an overused phrase. with so many other versions to it. but it's one of those phrases which haunts me. over decisions made. over decisions about to be made. am i a fighter or am i a runner? wish i was a fighter but i've taken flight before.

there were moments when the challenge i faced before me was so frightening. so unnerving, so very intimidating that i did not even consider any other option. i turned and i ran.

i ran once when i was 15. once more when i was 17.

these moments made me feel small. i made up reasons. trying to convince the people around me that i wasn’t running away from the challenge. i just had something else that needed my attention. but i could not deceive myself. could not even convince those around me. i know they knew. and that just made it worse i think. and every time i ran, the journey back was tough. never easy to face the demons of the past.

throughout my childhood and teenage life, i tried doing what i wanted to do. what i thought was right. it’s not always unchartered territories. but i would like to think that i’ve had my share of adventures. not exactly the road less travelled by. not the common highway too. in the end, a few years from now, who will i see in the mirror?

i don't expect to see the giant i want to be.

i hope i don't see the dwarf i've been avoiding as well.

a view inside the big white mosque in abu dhabi - reminds me of elvish carvings. pic has nothing to do with the post though... =)

...

choices. decisions.

work. life.

balance.

hopes. dreams.

Girl - Emotion Controlled Creature

One of my close friend just started a relationship lately. Congratz my friend - Kitt. Glad that she manage to find a great guy.

She used to complain about the whole world to me. Everything in this world are poking her eyes and end each chatting sentence with a sigh or a angry tone. But now...thing had change.

The same issue which happen a month before and today. The exactly same incident and people but the way she describe is no longer the same anymore.

Today, when she is telling me that incident, she end each sentence with a 'haha' or smiley face.

Women....Girl....Emotion Controlled Creature. =)

Don't you think so?

Love is in the air

-on behalf of cliu-

suicide 2

gliding through the air like an eagle
life flashes through, a smile on my face
the end is approaching, a hard tarmac
my heart skips a beat, i am afraid

first property

recently made my first financial commitment by buying a unit in perdana residence 2. spa was signed, bank loan approved and construction's ongoing. i think it'll be a decent place to live in. brickfields is currently getting too hectic and too crowded real quick. it'll be ready in 3 years though. still a long time and everything could change by then. who knows huh? i might not even be residing in malaysia. but i think 3 years is a pretty decent period don't you think so? could even be time to consider starting a family of my own by then... don't think too far ahead, it's just a thought here...

show house of perdana residence 2

anyway, the fact that this purchase even materialize, it's all down to my parents - they sourced out the house, went to the launching of the property and had the down payment paid... i just did the follow up and everything was pretty much just going with the flow... and since it's an incomplete property at that time, sourcing for a bank loan wasn't too tricky as well. only 2 panel banks and once i talked to both of them, the choice was simple.

third row on the right, second unit from the right - home sweet home?